


Not what you meant by 'okay'?

by CrushedRose



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: A Bit Not Good, Asshole steve rogers, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Betaed, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Can't believe he did that, Caring Sam Wilson, Claustrophobia, Dark, Gen, Heavy Angst, Not A Fix-It, Not Happy, Not Steve Friendly, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Sam stuck in the middle, Steve is not happy, Unrequited Love, Young Steve, old steve, seriously Steve how could you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-07
Updated: 2019-08-07
Packaged: 2020-08-11 01:55:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20145652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrushedRose/pseuds/CrushedRose
Summary: "Barnes...""Nothing. They say you either die a hero, or live long enough to become the villain. It happened to Steve. Don't let it happen to you.""It won't.""Look out for it, okay? You said you do what he does, only slower. Don't run away. Don't abandon your family. Don't become a villain."





	Not what you meant by 'okay'?

**Author's Note:**

> So be warned. this is not a good story.
> 
> So Steve was in the same timeline all along and did nothing. Like a coward, a bully, a...I can't even form the right words. Everything we ever knew and learned about Steve was just flushed down the toilet of 'disney's money making bucket' they made millions, yet they ruined his character.  
This is me trying to cope with this. It is dark, it is to the point, without too much descriptions and dialogue...it's raw.
> 
> Thanks to Kocuria for Betaing!

Bucky stands still; his posture looks relaxed, but his hands betray him. Keeping them in his pockets he almost looks fine from a distance. 

Steve, sitting there on the bench, body relaxed and a smug look. He knows it. He sees it in Sam's face. Sam who 'does what he does, only slower', still in awe of the man he followed, the Captain... But he followed Steve too. He followed both, because he sees, saw, both sides of him. 

Bucky indicated that Sam must go first, because he couldn't. If he did, he wouldn't have been able hide just how thin the line of his sanity really is. They would see how much he struggles to keep it together. He would break down, and nothing would be able to keep him whole. 

Except...

Sam looks up. Bucky looks at him. 

Sam's eyes are saying 'you're next' but Bucky's body refuses to answer. His eyes scream ‘no’. 

He can’t.

Without further explanation he spins around and walks away. Slow steps, going faster and faster until he flat-out runs. He doesn't run back to the house, he can't go back to the place where a child will grow up without her father. 

He runs and runs... 

The road disappearing underneath his feet, his steps taking him further and further away. 

_"It's going to be okay, Buck..."_

Yeah... sure.

Of course. 

Steve is a liar, always had been, yet no one ever sees it.

Bucky did. 

Several failed attempts and 4Fs show it's true. The equipment 'appropriated' in the war. 

Hell, even the title of Captain was given to him out of turn. He owned it, make no mistake, but he didn’t earn it like the everybody else. It makes him worthy, but he's still a liar.

Sam watches him go, a deep sigh and eyes closing. 

"Sam? Where's Bucky going?" The voice is old, quiet and soft, no longer the deep tone of a young soldier. 

"I don't know."

"I want to talk to him."

"Me too."

Bucky makes it to the hotel they're staying in. They all share a suite, three bedrooms. Bucky goes to his, packing all his stuff in a duffel bag. 

On the way out he passes Steve's room. 

His cologne still lingering, his clothes still nearly folded in his suitcase. A young man's clothes. His leather jacket on the hanger. His presence still in the room, but he was gone for, what, 80 years? Five seconds?

Still gone.

His phone vibrates. Sam. He doesn't answer. He has voicemail. 

_"This is Bucky, leave a message."_

"Hey, where did you run off to? We've looked for you at the house, Pepper made tea and there's snacks... Steve wants to talk to you. Call me." He doesn't call back. 

Touching the leather jacket, he inhales deeply. Steve...

His eyes burn. His throat constricts tightly. His fists clench.

Opening the duffel bag, he takes out a small photo frame. The men in the picture smile wide and bright.

Two young boys. Now two old men. 

He leaves it on the bed. He doesn't need it anymore. 

Calling a cab, he leaves the hotel behind him, he leaves the city. He leaves it all behind. 

He leaves Steve behind. By nightfall he makes it all the way north, close to the border. He hasn't looked back once. 

Sam tried calling him. Again. 

_"This is Bucky, leave a message."_

"Hey, Sam here, where did you go? Your stuff's gone from the hotel. Steve is worried. He wants to talk to you. Call me."

Sam looks around. Steve is standing in his room, the one he left a few hours ago, the one he left almost a century ago. 

His old, wrinkled hand reaches out to a small photo frame.

Two young soldiers. Two old veterans. 

The frame shakes slightly. 

"Sam?" 

"Still no answer."

No reply. 

Bucky makes it all the way into Canada before making his way across the sea, to the one place he knows well. Better than old Brooklyn...

The ice and the cold winds welcome him back with open arms. 

It's been a week. There've been several calls. 

All went to voice mail. 

Bucky switched the phone off four days ago. 

The base is still there, the layers of frost thick. 

Dark stains can be seen. Blood from a horrible fight seven years ago.

One now dead. One now old. One now alone.

The chair still bolted to the floor. 

The corpses still dead in their cryo caskets.

Zemo did show them kindness. 

Steve hands are permanently shaking now, trembling with anxiety. The smug look gone, the laugh wrinkles gone. Deep worry lines prominent, sadness in the eyes. A heart broken.

Sam is worried. 

Bucky is still gone. 

Disappeared like a ghost. 

Or mist in the morning sun. 

"Sam..." 

"I don't know."

"I want to see him."

"I don't think he knows, or cares."

"Did I hurt him so badly?" 

"We're still waiting for that 'okay' you mentioned."

"I'm not getting any younger."

"You should have thought about that before." 

"Before what?" 

"Before you left him."

Two months later, Bucky's still gone. No one's seen him, not even on CCTV. Steve is frantic and scared. Sam is tired and worn out. It all feels familiar. Looking for a man who doesn't want to be found. 

Steve got desperate, went on talk shows as an old relative of Steve Rogers, talking about the good old days. Hoping the right person would hear and come back. 

Bucky watches the TV. The old man smiles and tells the host about two best friends. Inseparable on school yard and battlefield. A blue-eyed boy who saved his ass from bullies. 

A steel-eyed man snorts and switches the TV off. 

They’re separate now.

[Six months later]

Bucky is standing in the cabin of a small boat, just big enough for one container. Waterproof and steady. His bed inside. Self-sustaining for up to a century using hydro power. The cold is what he knows, it's the only thing he has left. 

But soon, he will be where he belongs. Soon, the pain will be gone. Soon... 

Soon.

One thing to do. 

No, two things... 

He uploads the data. He's more than capable of manipulating cyberspace and its endless possibilities. This will keep Shuri and anyone who would look for him busy for a while. Giving him enough time to disappear. 

They will search for his face, and it will pop up all over the world, a few days between each sighting. Monday in Belarus, Wednesday in Rome... Saturday in Sydney... It's a good program. 

Everything's in order. 

He picks up the satellite phone. He dials. 

"Wilson."

"Sam."

"Bucky, thank God. Where the hell are you? We're worried sick."

"We?"

"Steve and I."

"Is Steve there?" 

"He's close, let me call him."

"No. I wanted to ask you. He talked to you, right?" 

"... Some..."

"I saw the newspaper articles, he was there twice at her funeral. He lived there in the same place and time, he knew his younger self was still under the ice. That I was being tortured. And he did nothing. Did he try to save me?" 

"..." 

"Sam."

"No."

"Did he try to save Riley?" 

"... No." 

"Did he try in Bucharest?" 

“No.”

“Did he save Natasha?”

"No."

"Did he try in Siberia?" 

"No." 

"He did nothing, for 80 years. Sitting on the sidelines, watching the world burn, watching me kill and kill and kill and he, what... Fucked his wife?" 

"Barnes..."

"Nothing. They say you either die a hero, or live long enough to become the villain. It happened to Steve. Don't let it happen to you."

"It won't."

"Look out for it, okay? You said you do what he does, only slower. Don't run away. Don't abandon your family. Don't become a villain."

"Where are you? Can't you come home?" 

"I have no home. My home became a villain." 

"Barnes... just... let's talk-"

"Take care, Cap."

"Barnes... BUC-" 

BEEEEP

Sam looks up. Glassy blue eyes stare back, tears softly running down his cheeks. 

He heard it all. 

He turns around and walks away. His body frail. His shoulders hunched. 

Bucky is doing the final preparations. The bed is calling him, he's so tired. He can't wait to rest. Finally, sleep. 

The voice is steady in the cabin. 

_"Estimated time of arrival one hour and 5 minutes. After that the container will be lowered to the required depth. The boat engine will be kept running at a speed of five knots per hour in a southwest direction until out of fuel."_

_Good_, Bucky thinks. 

Sighing deeply, he looks around once more. He has no possessions, only the clothes he's wearing. A duffel bag with a few items. His hair is loose, an elastic band around his wrist. It's enough. 

Climbing into his resting place, he lies down. The duffel bag is his pillow. A Wakanda blanket over his body. He closes his eyes. The door swishes closed. The room is quiet. 

The container locks before it's lowered into the water, the ice around the boat cracks under the weight before it slowly sinks to the icy depths below. Bucky's last thought is how the coordinates are close enough to where _his _Steve crashed the plane. 

"I'm coming home, Stevie. To you."

Eight months later, a young Steve Rogers appears out of the blue. He hid away, he says. He needed time, he tells the reporters. Spent time with Bruce, he says, cataloguing the data.

"Oh... the old man? Yeah, long-lost uncle... Oh, he died, his heart gave up. Me? No, I'm retired, Sam is the Captain now... I'm just Steve. Plans... I'm thinking of seeing the world, meeting some friends… Doing some sailing..." 

Steve finds the boat with Sam. It took Shuri four weeks to discover the fake program that made Bucky's face appear all over the world and trace it back to this location. A boat, drifting at sea. 

They find it. 

It's one of Hydra's. 

It had a container on board. In the container was a cryo tank. Self-sufficient, can be submerged or buried for close to 80 years before running out of power. It's gone now. 

Maybe on land...

Maybe at sea...

There's a note. 

It's from Bucky. 

Steve reads it. 

He screams for a minute, before rumpling the paper and destroying half the boat. His shoulders tense, his body broken. 

Sam stares out at the water. 

It isn't going to be okay. 

It’s never going to be okay.

Deep under the water, surrounded by ice, frozen in ice, Bucky sleeps, a smile on his face. 

He is home. 

He is okay. 

**Author's Note:**

> I did this piece on it's own, because I keep reminding myself I'm busy with Part 2 of "Value of Time' and part 2 is Steve friendly, or friendlier and I need to redeem him, and forgive him, when this Russo fact became known, so I needed another outlet.


End file.
